By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Sadly, I frequently hear families that are experiencing grief say some variation of the following:
“Don’t play music, we might cry.”
Of course, when they say this, I remind myself that I have the opportunity to teach them why music is often an important element of a meaningful funeral.
Throughout many important moments and settings in life, we turn to music to help set the tone and establish context. Can you imagine the holidays without music? What would a great film be without its soundtrack? And what about birthdays and weddings?
For funerals, music — including contemporary funeral songs, traditional hymns, and classical pieces — has long held an equally important role. In pagan times, chants were sung at funerals to placate the spirits. In ancient Rome, the funeral procession included musicians playing wind instruments and professional singers hired to sing praises to the dead.
In the 18th and 19th centuries, a number of classical composers, including Handel and Chopin, wrote funeral marches—slow and solemn pieces often in a minor key. Throughout human history, it has been recognized that music and funerals belong together.
At the funeral, music is one way we let friends and family know that their normal and necessary emotions of grief, which music tends to draw forth, are welcome. Music is also a universal, unifying medium that joins mourners and speaks for them when words are inadequate.
Quiet reflection during musical interludes often stimulates acknowledgment of the reality of the death. Music helps us move from knowing something in our heads to knowing something in our hearts. What’s more, music is often deeply moving to mourners and can provide meaningful moments to reflect on their loss and embrace their grief.
Another purpose of the funeral is recall. Music can help with this. Songs that were meaningful to the person who died draw forth our memories. Music associated with special times we shared with them, as well as lyrics that seem to capture their spirit, can elicit memories we may not have even realized were there.
Have you ever noticed that during musical interludes at a funeral, mourners will often hold hands, lean on one another, or embrace? That’s because music is powerful at activating empathy and encouraging people to support each other.
Though music is very personal, and people bring their own unique meanings to any given piece, certain songs speak to a body of faith or, more generally, to spirituality—bringing mourners comfort and meaning. Hymns are an obvious example, but classical music, pop songs, and other genres can be just as effective in helping mourners search for meaning.
I encourage you to be open-minded about the funeral music used at a ceremony, as well as during the visitation and gathering afterward. Any form or type of music that helps meet the mourning needs of family and friends should be welcomed.
Instead of suggesting “suitable” music, why not ask families open-ended questions?
Your role is to help the family find ways to incorporate these answers into a unique and meaning-filled funeral.
Yes, families will sometimes say, “Don’t play music, we might cry.” When they do, you have the opportunity to step into the important role of providing them with information and education—while still honoring their choices.
Without a doubt, music is an essential and beautiful element of funerals. Don’t let the families in your care miss out on its healing presence.
As German poet and writer Heinrich Heine reflected:
“Where words leave off, music begins.”
Alan Wolfelt is recognized as one of North America’s leading death educators and grief counselors. His books on grief for both caregivers and grieving people have sold more than a million copies worldwide and have been translated into multiple languages. Wolfelt is the founder and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and a longtime consultant to funeral service.
